Frame
Introduction
The more I talk to people about things like their jobs, their relationships, and their life goals, the more I realize that many times, their problems stem from their lack of personal frame. Often we are so afraid of risk, rejection, or confrontation or have so little understanding of what we actually want ourselves that we allow ourselves to conform to other people’s frame; We defer to what other people want at the cost of our own ambitions and expectations.
But what is frame? In this article I will be explaining the idea of frame and how you can use it to make sure you are getting what you want from your work, your relationships, and your life. I will start by defining frame and the philosophy behind it. Then I will explain how most people have been living their life by other’s frame. How frame can be applied to your work, your relationships, and your life. And finally, how more people holding frame will make things better for all of us.
What is Frame?
Frame is the knowledge and experience based expectations you have for all the aspects of your life that you hold other people to: what you want from your work, your relationships, and your life more broadly. By knowing what you want, being knowledgeable, fair about your expectations, and standing up, you create a frame that other people will have to acknowledge and address or risk you walking away. It enables you to negotiate and sets expectations in other’s minds about what is fair for them to demand from you and what you expect from them.
Knowing What You Want
The first step of establishing your frame is defining what you want. A relevant meta strategy article on the importance of mindfulness is in the works, but in brief, it is important to take time to reflect and think critically about what we want from our lives. We need to be mindful about what we want and make sure we are making a conscious effort to pursue those goals. By knowing what you want, you can set your frame, advocate for yourself, and make sure you are getting what you want from your work, relationship, and life.
Knowledge and Experience Based
Obviously we can’t set unreasonable expectations; they need to be grounded in reality. This means we need to take the time to research, reflect, and establish realistic expectations. What are other professionals in my field being paid? What does a good romantic relationship look like? What can I expect to achieve in my life? Once you have the knowledge of what is reasonable, then you can make sure you are advocating for what you deserve.
Setting Your Frame
When you know what you want and what is reasonable to expect, you can set your frame. If I am going to achieve what I want in my life, what do I need to see from my work, relationships, and life? Once you have clearly defined, realistic expectations, you can push for those things in your life. And by clearly defining expectations and holding your frame, both you and others know if they are short of, hitting, or exceeding those expectations.
Holding Our Frame
Once we have set our frame, we need to have the courage to advocate for our frame. We need to be able to say no when we feel like other people are demanding too much or taking advantage. Being disagreeable might be difficult for some, most people don’t want to say no to a boss, a partner, or other people in their lives, so we need the confidence to say no, maintain our frame, and negotiate for what we want. Saying no doesn’t need to be acrimonious and by saying no, we often gain the respect of others. And if not, we might realize we are not in a good situation and it is time to explore other options. We need to dispel our fear of risk, rejection, and confrontation so we can hold frame. Here is how.
Confidence
Key to holding frame is confidence. It is hard to demand more work-life balance or more pay from our work if we don’t feel confident we deserve it. This is where that knowledge and experience comes into play. If we know that professionals in our field are commanding better salaries, if we know that companies are providing better work-life balance, if we know that romantic relationships can be mutually beneficial and enjoyable, we will feel confident to advocate for that in our own lives.
Having Options
One of the most powerful sources of confidence is knowing that if others don’t give you what you want, you can find it elsewhere. If your current company won’t pay you what you are worth, or give you the work-life balance you want, but another company will, that empowers you to negotiate with the option of walking away. An employee with no options must accept their situation, but an employee with a lot of options must be negotiated with or will be lost.
This means that you should actively be aware of and even search out other options. You will derive confidence both by knowing that other people value you and it gives you power to negotiate for what you want by having the option to walk away if it is not provided.
Negotiation
Having the confidence that what you want is reasonable and that you can always pursue other options if the other party isn’t willing to compromise, puts you in the best position to negotiate. You don’t need to be confrontational. Negotiating isn’t about disagreeing or fighting with someone. It is about knowing what you want, advocating for that, and finding out if both parties can get what they want.
Living in Other’s Frame
What you may have realized by now is that many of us have been unconsciously living in other people’s frames, because we either didn’t set our own, or didn’t have the confidence to advocate for, our frame.
A common and relatable example of this is how most high schoolers approach college. Many students feel like they need to be accepted into a good college to have the best chance at a good career and that they must therefore build a resume of good grades, extra curriculars, and experience that fits what colleges are looking for. These students are conforming to the frame set by these colleges.
But what if we flip the script? What if instead of trying to fit what colleges expect of us, we think about what we want out of our lives and what colleges can provide to help us get there? I mean, we are paying for them to teach us and prepare us for success in our careers, why shouldn’t we get to make demands of them? And once you are thinking about college in your frame, you are much more likely to find and pursue a college that will actually help you be successful in your goals. And, not surprisingly, you will be much more likely to be accepted into that college as they will see you are interested in them for the right reasons! That you are someone who is aware of what you want and are driving towards your goals with conscious purpose.
Bottom line, living in another’s frame means you will always be giving up what you want for what someone else wants. Once you start seeing the world through your own frame, you will pursue the opportunities that are a fit for you. And others will be much more likely to give you what you want and respect you for it.
It’s on You
An important thing to point out is that if you are living in another's frame, that is on you. How are other people expected to know what is and is not acceptable to you if you don’t set boundaries, say no, and advocate for your frame? If you never let others know what you want, there is no way they can give it to you. So if you find yourself in a bad job, in a one-sided relationship, or living a life that doesn’t meet your standards, it’s not the world that needs to change, it is you who needs to stand up for what you want and demand more.
Negotiating from a Place of Power
This doesn’t mean you should just expect people to give you what you want. As I have pointed out, you must align your expectations with reality. What is reasonable to expect? Sometimes if you want more, you need to put yourself in a better position to demand it. This might be working harder, learning more, becoming someone more valuable that other people are willing to negotiate with. Basically, to have the power to negotiate, you not only have to be willing to advocate for what you want, but also be in a position to command it.
Applications of Frame
So I have explained how frame can be applied to college, but what about work and relationships? These are the two most relevant and important areas to apply frame and I want to briefly dive into how you can apply frame there to great effect.
Frame Your Work
One of the common problems I hear from people is that they are overworked. But again, this is often because they are not holding their own frame and advocating for the work-life balance they want. If you always say yes to more work, how is your boss to know that they are working you too hard? If you stand up for what you want, only then can your boss understand your situation and adjust their allocation of work to fit your expectations.
The ability to negotiate this comes from being knowledgeable, organized, and confident to advocate for yourself. In regards to work, you need to know what you are responsible for, when it needs to get done, how long it will take, and how important it is. This way, when your boss asks you to do more, instead of saying yes, and taking on more work, or just saying no and coming off as dismissive, you can negotiate.
“Here is the list of things I am currently working on. If you want me to do this extra work, I can do it, but it means I won’t have time for something else. What can I drop that’s less important than what you are asking me to do?”
By doing this, your boss will respect that you don’t have unlimited time and be more aware of and willing to adjust to your frame. Again, if you are overworked, this is on you! Either you aren’t advocating for the balance you want, or you don’t have the ability to walk away from a work environment that demands too much from you.
Frame Your Relationships
This idea of frame can be applied to your personal and romantic relationships as well. Do you know what you want out of your relationships? You should take the time to reflect on what is important to you. Do you know what is fair to expect from a relationship? Do your research and make sure you know what a healthy relationship should look like. If you are in a bad relationship, are you willing to walk away and pursue other options? If people don’t respect your frame, then you should not subject yourself to deferring to someone else’s frame. Do you clearly advocate for what you want with confidence? You need to let your partner or friend know what you want by setting boundaries and expectations. And again, make sure that you are someone worth negotiating with. Are you fun to be around, driven to succeed in your life, and take good care of yourself? Bottom line, advocate for and pursue the relationships that fit your frame and be someone worth negotiating with.
Setting Your Frame
I just dumped a lot on you so let me recap by giving you a quick recap of how you can go about applying this idea of frame:
Know What You Want
Take the time to reflect on what you want from your work, relationships, and life. Set those goals and pursue them.
Be Knowledgeable
Your frame should be based on what is realistically achievable. Research! What opportunities are out there? What do good relationships look like? What should I want from my life? With this knowledge, you can feel confident in what you are advocating for.
Have Options
Don’t be afraid to see what other options are out there. By having options, you put yourself in a position of power when you negotiate. You need to be able to say no and walk away, or else you have to conform to the frame of others. By having options, you can be confident in your demands.
Be Worth Negotiating With
If you want something, you need to be worth it. Your job won’t pay you more if they don’t think you're worth the investment. Your partner or friend won’t do things for you if you are not someone they aspire to be in a relationship with. And life won’t give you what you want if you aren’t rising to the opportunity.
We All Benefit from Each Other's Frame
People often wonder why I am so freely sharing these strategies for how to get more out of life. “If everyone is better about getting what they want, doesn’t that disadvantage you?” Not at all! What happens when we all started to demand a little more from our work, relationships, and life? In the case of work, if all employees were more outspoken about wanting a better work-life balance, companies would need to respond by providing that or risk losing their employees to companies who will.
And that is what is currently happening in the job market. You might have heard of “The Great Resignation” (a poor name for something much more complicated than just employees resigning. In truth, this is “The Great Battle for Talent”). Many people had time to think about what they wanted during covid (mindful reflection), and now that there is more demand for talent in the job market people have more opportunities (options). This puts power in the hands of job seekers. We can demand better compensation and work experience. Even people who were not pushing are starting to realize this is possible. Now everyone is benefiting.
Imagine if this happened in all aspects of life? I think we would quickly find that others now have to be more responsible and respecting of others’ demands.
Conclusion
Frame is a powerful tool you can use to get more out of your work, relationships, and life. Set clear goals for what you want, research what is possible, be someone who is worth negotiating with, and go after what you want! We will all benefit from higher expectations. Set your frame and be confident in what you want.
